first flash of eden

there never was a time in my life when i thought that i knew everything, even though sometimes i acted like it. but when i was younger, i did think that i knew alot of things about pain, love, life. i knew that i didn't know everything, but i also did think that i was invincible. i thought i could brave everything. and no, 21 isn't old, but maybe it is old enough to admit that i'm not invincible, and that i do know some things, even though most of what i was so sure of before has turned out to be wrong. now that i'm older, i know that rpiorities could change at a drop of a hat, or the arrival of someone new in your life, and that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a bad person. now i know that there is no one you can depend on but yourself, but that doesn't mean that you're alone. i also know now that time does exist, and even though there never is enough time, rest is good. i also know that i can never rely on schedules, but it's always good to have a back-up plan. i know that even just thinking about certain people disappearing from your life hurts, it's never as bad as when it actually happens. and that pain is only fleeting, but the memory of that same pain will always be there. as pretentious as it sounds, i feel so old all of a sudden. and it's not because of the things that have happened to me, but because of the knowledge that i haven't been through much yet. now that i'm older, i know that i can't depend on anyone but myself, but that doesn't mean i'm alone. i know i already said that, but i feel that i have to keep saying it just to convince myself that it's true. now that i'm older, i realize that denial is just too much work, it's easier to face reality instead. and just the same, just because it's easier to do one thing, doesn't mean that you learn more from it. my dad says, if it feels right, do it. and someone else once told me that if you can't be good, do it well. so now that i'ma day older than yesterday, i know this: if it feels right, then you're doing it well.