First heard of this from Stitchdaddy's Blog...it's pretty cool...although all the red marks on my map are concentrated in the western european vicinity. soon, i will cover more areas in red. soon.

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

recently, i moved back into my childhood home. unpacking boxes that have been left here, and cleaning out cabinets and closets have produced endless trips down memory lane. but sometimes remembering isn't such a good thing. not even when you're remembering the good stuff. i've always hated change. i hate what it does to people and how it always makes me feel like i've been left behind. i see the changes in people before even they do. i anticipate it, it's the bane of my existence. i get paranoid and angry, thinking people have grown bored with me. i start to demand and push, screaming at the top of my lungs "what did i do???". i can never accept the fact that people just move on, even for no reason at all except that there are, and always will be bigger and better things.
looking through all these photographs, letters and other relics of a past life, that when really reflected upon, wasn't so long ago anyway, but feels like it's been ages. i start to smile at first, remembering little snippets of conversations, and somewhere in my brain, an old fashioned reel is playing a yellowed film of events with friends, family and fiends. i remember how their faces looked like when they smiled, and think how different even our smiles look now.
---------------
to an old friend....it's rainning outside, and i have an umbrella. but i miss sharing yours.

old photographs are evil. they bring back feelings that you'd long since forgotten about. they give you a false sense of hope. they bring tears to your eyes. all those smiling faces staring back at you. most of them you don't even talk to anymore. and the others...well, it's just never the same, is it? but instead of throwing away all those photographs so that you can move on with your life, you carefully cover them up so that they won't yellow or fade. you label them with dates or names if you remember them. the ones that carries the most painful memories are always the ones you most remember. and then you put them away, somewhere it'll be hard to get to, unorganized and inaccessible. but then you know that one day, you'll go back to them and in the true spirit of self-loathing, you take that trip down memory lane again, and remember all that was, realize all that isn't.

i'm not clingy. i have abandonment issues. serious abandonment issues.

happy, happy birthday, bradah!

i am having the sort of bad day that started at 12mn, and is progressing towards deeper levels of hell as every minute goes by. and it's not even 3pm yet. it's the sort of bad day that can't even be soothed by listening to some bob dylan because my iPod, for some reason that i know nothing about, won't turn on.
normally, i would just blow off days like these and go and hide under a blanket in my room, fall asleep watching tv (fictional people going through crises makes me feel better about myself), and then wake up to a new day with newfound hope, that song from Wizard of Oz playing over and over again in my head like some twisted, yet appropo soundtrack to, what i hope, will be the new beginning to the rest of my life.
no, not somewhere over the rainbow. the happier song, the one that plays right as they reach the emerald city, "you're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night / step into the sun, step into the light / Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place / On the Face of the Earth or the sky / Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope / March up to the gate and bid it open". why i typed down the lyrics to whole song, i don't know.
but, as i was saying, normally i would just take cover and hide from the cruel world on days like this, but not tody. nope, not today because today is special kind of bad day that you can't run and hide from, because then it'll turn into a bad week, and then if you run from those, it turns into a bad month, and then a bad year, and before you know it, you're in some white padded cell and your best friends have weird names like Prozac and Xanax.
Yes, today is a bad day. I could act even more like a self-pitying victim by saying "Why is God punishing me?" but then i'd just be disproving the theory that i've had for years and that is that the universe is really a living and breathing thing with a vindictive nature and a surly disposition, and that's the cause for days like these.
it's happened to us all...we wake up to a new day and then all of a sudden, it's like the whole world just turned upside down, and everyone's adapted to it except for you. and you're clinging the ground because you believe that you'll fall into the sky if you don't.

what do the hardworking do when there's so much to finish within so little time? go out and drink

we'll mishu!

just a little something i made in class.

after all the abuse i put my body through during finals, i finally got sick...on my last day of vacation, which made me miss my first day of class, and since the class is six hours long, i almost got dropped from it. sometimes, i just really hate my life.

during grade school in st. scho they used to make us do a time table for ourselves, complete with lists and pie charts and everything. and i thought, why not try it? since i'm resorting to such high levels of o.c. organizing, needless to say, i'm cramming again. and in case you were wondering, no, blogging is not included in my time table. i made the time table for the span of last tuesday til next wednesday, which is basically the last day of submission for my very last project...and by wednesday night, i was lost. the time table is still there amongst my notes, all neatly written and organized, every single hour between last tuesday and wednesday accounted for, but i don't think it was very useful. all the hours listed down made me over-confident and thinking that there actually IS enough time. of all times to actually need 9 hours of sleep! maybe i really am getting old, because a five hour sleep just doesn't cut it anymore. super cliche, i know, but there never really is enough time, is there?! i bet time doesn't even really exist! it's just another one of those things that we create to make some semblance of reason and sense.

I HATE BEING TIME'S BITCH!

it's hell week again. blog entries will be few and far in between for a while. just spent the past few days recovering from a grueling weekend shoot in the scariest house i've ever been in with really crazy people.

Pat and Joms are moving to Australia in September, and although i AM sad that I lose another close friend to the Aussies, i am twice as happy for them than i am sad because they've been wanting this for so long. And even though i wish that she could always just be right there when i need her, both she and Joms have worked so hard for this, and they deserve it more than most people. But she's not leaving for another month yet, so now is the moment to make up for lost time and desperately try to cram a lifetime of missed memories with you. :)

one year, nine months.

g's birthday

my dad's watching me out of the corner of his eye. i'm plugged into my iPod, my face about 5 inches away from the computer screen, eyebrows furrowed, trying my damnest best to look every bit serious and busy...for fear that he'll catch me writing blog instead of working. because no matter what i do, i cannot seem to have any new ideas. this is it. the well hath dry-ed ov'r. see, i can't even come up with an inspired funny quip about being, well, uninspired. i have no more color ideas, no more ideas for graphic design or web design, no ideas for short films...i've read books, i've watched movies, tv shows, documentaries, endless hours of nat geo and discovery, read the peter max book from cover to cover twice in one week, listened to the beatles from waking to sleeping. all that and still nothing. i'm getting desperate. i've made angel cards and even a spin-a-colorWheel. i've tried everything short of drugs. i ev...

...hmmm

growing up, i was always told "do unto others what you want others to do unto you". and now that i'm older and i can think for myself, i know that's a lie. just because you treat someone nicely, doesn't mean they'll treat you with the same kindness. unless it's not kindness that you give, and then the whole world is so eager to give you what you're due. maybe it's because i was taught that creedo that i am often hurt, and usually, i'm the only one who knows why. maybe that's why i'm so sensitive when it comes to friends and family, because i always expect that as long as i'm good to them, they'll be good to me. that as long as i am there for them, they'll be there for me too. not that i'm the best friend that anyone could ever have, or that my friends are never there for me, but sometimes...

i thank the beer gods for creating stella artois, and for letting me find a pint of it, by chance, on the walk home from a long, hard day in the heat of singapore.

we started the day off with a 3 hour city tour, just my mom and i and several other tourists (all filipino) and our tour guide. let me just say, i hate set tours. because i'm not a tourist, i'm a TRAVELER...thank you very much. so needless to say, while the guide was going on and on about the history of this and the history of that, i was just staring out the window and listening to the Allman Brothers Band on my iPod (the new love of my life---sorry kev). And then ofcourse, there's the chatter from the other people with us. Ok, can i just say, i love my country, all of you who knows me well knows how i will tar and feather anyone who says anything bad about us pinoys, but these women were irritating as hell! they would repeat everything that was said two seconds ago and one of them who's been to singapore like, once before kept on going "ay alam ko na yang sinasabi niya" and "hay naku, i'b bin der na da las taym i was her" and the best was when the tour guide pointed out the building where they had the planning talks for the 2012 olympics, she suddenly burts out and goes, "ay oo, diyan mangyayari ang olympics next year, kaya nagpaplano na sila ngayon." i couldn't wait to get out of there. by noon time, thankfully we were back at the hotel and i could unload the stuff that i had bought in chinatown (one of the stops on the tour) and we headed off to Little India, which is the only place i've really been looking forward to anyway. As soon I got down from the cab at the entrance of Little India Arcade, i was hit with the strong smell of incence and spices. everything was in color, i felt as if i were dorothea stepping out of her house into munchkinland.

there were reds from hanging flowers and oranges from curries, browns from henna, silver on the bracelets and stalls and stalls of floor to ceiling stacked bangles of all colors. there was all sorts of curries and samosas, chapati, naan, music was playing from every other store, idian women were walking around in beautiful saris, selling all sorts of bindis, the normal red ones to elaborate glittered ones. i said earlier that i felt like dorothea in munchkinland, well, now i felt like alice and i just fell through the rabbit hole, and on the other side, i ended up in bollywood.
but a person can only take so much of munchkin-bolly-wonderland, and after 3 hours in little india, i had to get out. the incence was making me heady, i felt like i was back in that dingy bar in germany, ready to throw up after a suspiciously rolled ciggarette was handed to me. but ofcourse, the biggest peril of not travelling alone, my mom went of by herself and i had to go around looking for her. after over half an hour, i was ready to lie down on a pile of saris from dizziness, and she still hadn't shown up. i went around the entire arcade so many damn times, the stall owners would tell me "if we see your mom, we'll tell her to stay put for you." Embarassing. not to mention, downright frustrating! here i am, dizzy from the smells and the heat, in a foreign place and all i want to do is go back to the hotel for a quick shower and i can't because i have to wait for someone else. it really is better to travel to a place for the first time alone, unless it's a vacation, then fine, be with as many people as you can.
so anyways, she finally shows up, and i'm sweaty, my henna is running, i didn't have any ciggarettes and i hated the fact that the only reason why i couldn't do what i wanted was dependent on someone else (which is the thing that i hate most in the world), and she's all fresh and breezy and "oh i went all over the place, i saw so many things, and blah blah blah." thanks, ma. really, it's been great going around and around looking for you in a place that you weren't even in for over half an hour while i'm dizzy and people keep on insisting that i buy tea.
so we get back to the hotel and i'm still in a bad mood, realizing that not only am i sweaty and dizzy, but also hungry. the day before, my first meal here was some authentic hawker food...i hated it. and then that night, we had the infamous chilli crab, which was good, but incredibly hot, so i didn't have alot of that. and for lunch, mcdonald's. heheh...i know, go all the way to singapore to eat mcDonald's. but i made a promise to myself to eat mcDonalds in every country i go to. our fries are better. but their's are bigger.
so, i'm hungry and sleepy, and i really, REALLY want a beer or better yet, ice cold vodka...but it's no fun drinking when you can't smoke, and my mom won't LET me smoke on front of her (choke choke) so i'm really pissed...i take a shower and tita rae calls, she's meeting us for dinner in a while, so maybe things'll look up from there.
don't get me wrong, i am enjoying myself to a certain degree, but i just miss my puppy and my dad. and kev. and smoking wherever i want. manicures that don't cost 30 singapore dollars.

blogging on the run....
i'm in singapore right now. although i think it's a great place, i don't really know what all the hype is about.

hey al, you'd love it here...there's a hooters ;)

pictures to come soon

external hard drive = life.
broken external hard drive = life in danger.
broken external hard drive that can't be fixed = death.
death = me
me = a broken external hard drive that can't be fixed, that contains my whole life.

THIS JUST IN: TEENS ARRESTED IN DEATH OF HOMELESS MAN (story at http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&e=1&u=/ap/brf_homeless_killing)

sometimes i wonder: why do i even bother getting out of bed? the world has gone to shit anyway.

i've been spending alot of time with the kids lately, it's good for the heart. i laugh alot more when i'm with them. not because they're so innocent...in fact, these kids know alot more than i did when i was their age...but they're more candid. and the fact that they're so candid and honest makes me try as hard as hell to make sure that i'm at my very best because there' just no fooling them. they're just like adults, but with a better sense of humor.

no one lives forever, we all know that. we know that at some point, death happens, to everyone. and yet, we're still so surprised when it happens. whether it's to ourselves or to someone that we know.

last week, a tito passed away suddenly. last thursday, a lolo died...not so suddenly. and yet, it's still not a surprise. and all the same, all so sudden.

rest in peace, lolo rene and tito frank.

as my manong said, we'll all be together again.

i wanna be a kid again.

i miss you bea! the three of us will be together again soon, and maybe then things will make more sense. and if they still don't, it won't really matter as much, will it? we can all just self-medicate on booze and blues.

i hate this! first sergio loses and now bo???
ok, i'm watching too much tv.

damnit! i need a life!

i feel so cheated. tomorrow is the start of another term, a new school year and i feel as if it's just been another long weekend wherein i barely had anytime to rest. actually, i think i got into the groove of summer just yesterday. there never really is enough time, is there? no matter what they say, 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week is so not enough to build any semblance of a organized life. atleast, not with the loose screws i have in my head. i am always running after things, it's not even funny anymore. i have become a master at anything rushed and last minute. i am the best at packing at the last minute. i am the best at answering 5 essay questions in the last two minutes of an exam. multi-tasking, although i am very good at it, thanks to my st. scho. roots, just doesn't cut it anymore, because, as is the norm, i only have one body and one brain...but 9 different personalities running it (more on that in another blog entry). what is one to do when faced with too much to do? sleep. as much as you can get...because, as you know...THERE'S JUST NO TIME!!!!!

to my oldest friends,
it's been too long since we've been complete, and time is so fleeting that even i barely noticed it's been years since we've been friends. we ARE friends, true, but we haven't BEEN in awhile. but unlike other people who have their old friends and their "friends for life", we've never had reason to say "nagiba na siya". zita's still pikon, dawa's still a flake, pat's still horny and erik has the exact same laugh that he had when i first met him. and i'm still the drama queen. but at the same time, zita still never judges me, dawa's still always been there for me when i needed her most. and pat's still one of the best huggers there is. and erik...he still has the best laugh. like i told you guys before, i won't say thanks for everything...so thanks for everything that hasn't changed. baduy talaga tayo, magpakailan man...

glenn wants me to say that i took the picture with his camera. so, i used glenn's camera to take that photo, and thanks, glenn.

the best photo i've taken in a while. if you don't like it, i don't care. but constructive criticism and abundant praises are always welcome. oh, and disregard who the models are....hehe...LOKO lang! galit nanaman si migraine boy!

i'm sorry. i realize that the post before this one is pretty weird and would go off tangent every 10 words. hey, why am i apologizing? it's MY blog!

erika gave birth to healthy baby kai, who is the cutest thing i've ever seen since sam. who, by the way, was the cutest thing i've seen since sophie...get the picture? i'm so happy for ecka and ej. and kai is so cute! and i've only seen pictures! i'm so proud of all my friends with kids, because i for one would be freaked out as hell to have a child. it still freaks me out though, that not just one of us, but THREE of us actually have one each of those. it's like a kick in the ass that sends you reeling into the present, and the message is loud and clear: YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER! here i am, still in school, and the rest of them are out having their own families, working at the jobs, building careers, taking up their master's (by the way, suki, on that note, i'm so proud of you! so many people said they would, but you're one of the very few who actually DID) and i'm still stuck in school. oddly enough though, i'm not exactly ashamed as most people think i should be. i mean, what really makes everyone elses life better than mine just because they're done with school? i'm not saying mine is better than theirs either. but for the first time in my life, i'm actually comfortable with where i am and where i'm going, never mind that i'm alone for the ride. anyway, ultimately, don't we ALL have to do this alone? but what makes this all easier to do is knowing who i am. so maybe i'm way behind in terms of career or education, but all it is is time. but i know myself, because i had that time to figure that out. hey, i still don't know all the answers, but i'll be damned if any of my friends who HAVE their degrees and their jobs DO have all the answers. KAI IS SO CUTE!

most people ask god for patience regarding certain things. dear god, help me be more patient with my boyfriend. dear god,, help me be more patient with my mom, my sister, the guy at the counter. dear god, help me be more patient when i'm stuck in traffik. i just ask for patience, period. there is not one single thing that i can remember ever being patient for. i've never waited quietly, or stood in one place long enough. not that my life is one big rush. quite far from it. but still, i have no patience. i wonder sometimes why that is. it's not like i was always indulged as a child, although alot of people would like to disagree on that point. so where does all this impatience come from? ok, i have no more patience for this blog entry. see????!!!??

it's a sad moment when you finally realize that you can do what you swore you'd never be able to: live without the very person you claimed you want to spend the rest of your life with.

10 albums i want with me if i get stranded on a deserted island


1. BEATLES Abbey Road...i will never get tired of listening to "I Want You". Yes, i know, it's just one line that Lennon sings over and over again, i don't care. it's hypnotic.
2. POWER OF SOUL: A Tribute To Jimi Hendrix...for two main things: Kravitz and Prince. Kravitz's voice is amazing in Electric Lady Land, and Prince's guitar is awesom in Red House.
3. GLENN'S 80'S MIX!!!...not really an album, but hey, it's the best!
4. BOB MARLEY Tuff Gong...what i call the mini definitive best of marley album. sad that it's missing alot, but still great, nonetheless. and hey, you're on an island, to not have marley with you, you know you're definitely fucked.
5. BOB DYLAN Lost Diamonds...two words: CRAZY LOVE
6. STEALING BEAUTY OST...here's one album that has mazzy star, billie holiday, hole, john lee hooker, santana AND nina simone all in one. how can you beat that?
7. LAZY SUNDAY...this compilation is a must have even if you aren't stuck on a deserted island. it's got tunes that'll make you feel like falling asleep on the sand, and then immediately shift to tunes that'll make you feel good about drowning yourself. pretty.
8. ELLA FITZGERALD AND LOUIS ARMSTRONG Ella and Louis...i grew up listening to this album. i will die listening to this album. and if i'm stuck on a deserted island to die...this is the music that i wanna listen to while i wait for it to end.
9. I AM SAM OST...arguably the best compilation of beatles renditions ever made.
10. ROLLING STONES Wild Horses. The saddest song in the world.

so there's this guy i know, a really good friend. and for all the good things that one good friend wants to happen to another, i have one wish for this great friend of mine: i wish that he'd fall hard and flat on his face. yes, you know who you are. i wish he would just jump out of that plane without a parachute, because no matter how hard it hurts when you hit the gorund, it's nothing compared to the feeling of falling. it's liberating. you think you know, but you have no idea ;p

10 reasons why buffy should not be judged badly on account of sarah michelle gellar's nose.

1. lesbian action. willow and tara? definately! but hotter is the girlfriend that willow had after tara died, one of the potentials. not only was SHE hot, she was definitely nastier than tara. and she kicked ass.
2. sex. alot of it. mostly implied, but you get lucky with a some scenes that border on the explicit...like when buffy and spike tore a whole house down while they were...um...being rough. grrr...arrrg
3. dialogue. no other show on tv has characters who talk like they do, but still, we all understand what they're saying, even though we would never have thought of saying it like the way they do. it's knee slapping, finger pointing, laugh out loud, "that is so right!" dialogue.
4. joss whedon. he is a god. enough said.
5. the demons and monsters. my favorite by far is clem. he looks like a sharpei to me, but at the same time, he kinda looks like a large pile of stretched out, chewed pink bubblegum. and the gentlemen! they gave me nightmares for weeks! it's because of them that i usually avoid looking outside a window at night. that episode was voted as the scariest episode of any show that year it was shown.
6. glory. by far the most creative character ever made as a god. she scared me.
7. the musical. for one thing, anthony head's voice is so damn good, it was only a matter of time before we heard it again since that episode in the 5th season when he sang "behind blue eyes". and another is that joss proved himself capable of bringing the show to ANY level. sure, most of them could barely carry a tune, but it was by far one of the greatest moments in television.
8. producers and directors as actors. the guy singing about mustard on his shirt in the musical? david fury. the brother of lorn doing the dance of joy (angel)? that was joss.
9. xander. he's the one with the biggest burden of all. never has there ever been a zeppo that was as important as xander. i miss him!
10. plot. more entanlged than a spanish soap. more intricate than a russian novel. as existential as a fellini film.

i hate leaving. it's always such a pain to pack when it's time to leave, but never a pain to pack when it's time to go. sometimes i get these delusions of just living here, and only going back to manila once in a while. i wouldn't mind being alone there. as long as my dad's with me and i have my computer and my dvd collection. i could just spend the whole day reading and sitting in the water and working on my computer. i could invest in a laptop so that i could work right by the beach. i'd never have to wear shoes, never have to change out of my sarongs, never have to worry about my clothes matching my bag, check my cel phone only once every two days. but then i get back to manila, and then i so easily slip back into complaining that i can't use my sun cel, going to the mall for a cup of coffee or juice, calling for deliveries, buying things from the convenience store, braving traffic just to see friends that you have absolutely nothing to talk to about anymore, using concealer, shopping for things that i'll probably regret buying 5 minutes after i pay, getting a manicure and hot oil at the salon. it's almost as if i never left. i feel like a zombie when i'm here. sure, sometimes i'm happy here. that's not even the point. it's just that the demarkation between happy and content is so grey, it's no wonder so many people don't know what they want.

i do this everytime success doesn't come easily. i start thinking "well, maybe i'm just not cut out for this". Why am i so scared of failure? and it's not even failure, because i've failed before, in fact, i fail alot, and i seem to deal with it well enough, except for that feeling of not wanting to do it anymore. so often i find myself not doing alot of things just because i don't think i can do it really, really well. and that is so absurd really, since i know there's always gonna be someone who can do everything better than i can. i shy away from doing so many things because i'm afraid that i won't be the best, so in effect, i end up looking like an underachiever. and sometimes, it's even easier to live as an underachiever than someone who's tried and done their best, and still come up short. it's just so much easier on the ego to say, well, it wasn't my best anyway. i'm not afraind of failure. i'm afraid that my best just isn't good enough. everytime i pick up a pen, or a paint brush, or when i load the film into the camera, or anything at all, there this voice in my head that says "this is it. this is the day they're all gonna find out what a big fake you are."

it is so true that faith is tested everyday, especially when you most feel that you need your faith to pull you through. even when i say my prayers at night, i sometimes hear a small voice in my head that asks all these questions. you know the kind: the ones we all have, but would rather not voice them out loud because then we'd really have to think about them. questions like, is He really listening to me? Am i worthy enough for him to save or to even listen to? even the most painful question of all:Does He really exist? I say that it's painful because so much about faith in the Divine goes against the existentiality of reason. and at the same time, faith in the Divine really is all we have at the end of the day. Why do we, why do I have to have a reason? Despite (or maybe inspite) of my Catholic upbringing, I want my faith to transcend all that is "thou shalt" and "say 10 our fathers and 20 holy marys". I can't have faith in the thought that God only listens when you start with "In the name of the father". Or can i? SHOULD i? ever since i was a kid, i was always afraid that once i die, i'd go to hell, because as a child, i was always told that i was bad, everybody was always yelling at me. Or that if god didn't exist, and there was no heaven or hell to go to, i'd just be floating for all eternity in nothingness. i don't know what scares me more. the fires of hell, or emptiness. and every time i think of that nothingness, i actually FEEL empty. you know what emptiness feels like. we've all had that feeling. after hours of crying and you don't have any tears left to cry. when you've thought something over and over and again and you can't find any solution other than ending what ever it is. when you've numbed yourself so much into thinking that you're never going to make it and you really don't. but then, there must be a God, because if there wasn't, how would i have ever had those feelings to begin with?

after all these years, only one missing...but it still feels like half of the world is left in the dark