recently, i moved back into my childhood home. unpacking boxes that have been left here, and cleaning out cabinets and closets have produced endless trips down memory lane. but sometimes remembering isn't such a good thing. not even when you're remembering the good stuff. i've always hated change. i hate what it does to people and how it always makes me feel like i've been left behind. i see the changes in people before even they do. i anticipate it, it's the bane of my existence. i get paranoid and angry, thinking people have grown bored with me. i start to demand and push, screaming at the top of my lungs "what did i do???". i can never accept the fact that people just move on, even for no reason at all except that there are, and always will be bigger and better things.
looking through all these photographs, letters and other relics of a past life, that when really reflected upon, wasn't so long ago anyway, but feels like it's been ages. i start to smile at first, remembering little snippets of conversations, and somewhere in my brain, an old fashioned reel is playing a yellowed film of events with friends, family and fiends. i remember how their faces looked like when they smiled, and think how different even our smiles look now.
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to an old friend....it's rainning outside, and i have an umbrella. but i miss sharing yours.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
old photographs are evil. they bring back feelings that you'd long since forgotten about. they give you a false sense of hope. they bring tears to your eyes. all those smiling faces staring back at you. most of them you don't even talk to anymore. and the others...well, it's just never the same, is it? but instead of throwing away all those photographs so that you can move on with your life, you carefully cover them up so that they won't yellow or fade. you label them with dates or names if you remember them. the ones that carries the most painful memories are always the ones you most remember. and then you put them away, somewhere it'll be hard to get to, unorganized and inaccessible. but then you know that one day, you'll go back to them and in the true spirit of self-loathing, you take that trip down memory lane again, and remember all that was, realize all that isn't.
Monday, October 10, 2005
i am having the sort of bad day that started at 12mn, and is progressing towards deeper levels of hell as every minute goes by. and it's not even 3pm yet. it's the sort of bad day that can't even be soothed by listening to some bob dylan because my iPod, for some reason that i know nothing about, won't turn on.
normally, i would just blow off days like these and go and hide under a blanket in my room, fall asleep watching tv (fictional people going through crises makes me feel better about myself), and then wake up to a new day with newfound hope, that song from Wizard of Oz playing over and over again in my head like some twisted, yet appropo soundtrack to, what i hope, will be the new beginning to the rest of my life.
no, not somewhere over the rainbow. the happier song, the one that plays right as they reach the emerald city, "you're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night / step into the sun, step into the light / Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place / On the Face of the Earth or the sky / Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope / March up to the gate and bid it open". why i typed down the lyrics to whole song, i don't know.
but, as i was saying, normally i would just take cover and hide from the cruel world on days like this, but not tody. nope, not today because today is special kind of bad day that you can't run and hide from, because then it'll turn into a bad week, and then if you run from those, it turns into a bad month, and then a bad year, and before you know it, you're in some white padded cell and your best friends have weird names like Prozac and Xanax.
Yes, today is a bad day. I could act even more like a self-pitying victim by saying "Why is God punishing me?" but then i'd just be disproving the theory that i've had for years and that is that the universe is really a living and breathing thing with a vindictive nature and a surly disposition, and that's the cause for days like these.
it's happened to us all...we wake up to a new day and then all of a sudden, it's like the whole world just turned upside down, and everyone's adapted to it except for you. and you're clinging the ground because you believe that you'll fall into the sky if you don't.
normally, i would just blow off days like these and go and hide under a blanket in my room, fall asleep watching tv (fictional people going through crises makes me feel better about myself), and then wake up to a new day with newfound hope, that song from Wizard of Oz playing over and over again in my head like some twisted, yet appropo soundtrack to, what i hope, will be the new beginning to the rest of my life.
no, not somewhere over the rainbow. the happier song, the one that plays right as they reach the emerald city, "you're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night / step into the sun, step into the light / Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place / On the Face of the Earth or the sky / Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope / March up to the gate and bid it open". why i typed down the lyrics to whole song, i don't know.
but, as i was saying, normally i would just take cover and hide from the cruel world on days like this, but not tody. nope, not today because today is special kind of bad day that you can't run and hide from, because then it'll turn into a bad week, and then if you run from those, it turns into a bad month, and then a bad year, and before you know it, you're in some white padded cell and your best friends have weird names like Prozac and Xanax.
Yes, today is a bad day. I could act even more like a self-pitying victim by saying "Why is God punishing me?" but then i'd just be disproving the theory that i've had for years and that is that the universe is really a living and breathing thing with a vindictive nature and a surly disposition, and that's the cause for days like these.
it's happened to us all...we wake up to a new day and then all of a sudden, it's like the whole world just turned upside down, and everyone's adapted to it except for you. and you're clinging the ground because you believe that you'll fall into the sky if you don't.