first flash of eden

it is so true that faith is tested everyday, especially when you most feel that you need your faith to pull you through. even when i say my prayers at night, i sometimes hear a small voice in my head that asks all these questions. you know the kind: the ones we all have, but would rather not voice them out loud because then we'd really have to think about them. questions like, is He really listening to me? Am i worthy enough for him to save or to even listen to? even the most painful question of all:Does He really exist? I say that it's painful because so much about faith in the Divine goes against the existentiality of reason. and at the same time, faith in the Divine really is all we have at the end of the day. Why do we, why do I have to have a reason? Despite (or maybe inspite) of my Catholic upbringing, I want my faith to transcend all that is "thou shalt" and "say 10 our fathers and 20 holy marys". I can't have faith in the thought that God only listens when you start with "In the name of the father". Or can i? SHOULD i? ever since i was a kid, i was always afraid that once i die, i'd go to hell, because as a child, i was always told that i was bad, everybody was always yelling at me. Or that if god didn't exist, and there was no heaven or hell to go to, i'd just be floating for all eternity in nothingness. i don't know what scares me more. the fires of hell, or emptiness. and every time i think of that nothingness, i actually FEEL empty. you know what emptiness feels like. we've all had that feeling. after hours of crying and you don't have any tears left to cry. when you've thought something over and over and again and you can't find any solution other than ending what ever it is. when you've numbed yourself so much into thinking that you're never going to make it and you really don't. but then, there must be a God, because if there wasn't, how would i have ever had those feelings to begin with?