i'm sorry. i realize that the post before this one is pretty weird and would go off tangent every 10 words. hey, why am i apologizing? it's MY blog!

erika gave birth to healthy baby kai, who is the cutest thing i've ever seen since sam. who, by the way, was the cutest thing i've seen since sophie...get the picture? i'm so happy for ecka and ej. and kai is so cute! and i've only seen pictures! i'm so proud of all my friends with kids, because i for one would be freaked out as hell to have a child. it still freaks me out though, that not just one of us, but THREE of us actually have one each of those. it's like a kick in the ass that sends you reeling into the present, and the message is loud and clear: YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER! here i am, still in school, and the rest of them are out having their own families, working at the jobs, building careers, taking up their master's (by the way, suki, on that note, i'm so proud of you! so many people said they would, but you're one of the very few who actually DID) and i'm still stuck in school. oddly enough though, i'm not exactly ashamed as most people think i should be. i mean, what really makes everyone elses life better than mine just because they're done with school? i'm not saying mine is better than theirs either. but for the first time in my life, i'm actually comfortable with where i am and where i'm going, never mind that i'm alone for the ride. anyway, ultimately, don't we ALL have to do this alone? but what makes this all easier to do is knowing who i am. so maybe i'm way behind in terms of career or education, but all it is is time. but i know myself, because i had that time to figure that out. hey, i still don't know all the answers, but i'll be damned if any of my friends who HAVE their degrees and their jobs DO have all the answers. KAI IS SO CUTE!

most people ask god for patience regarding certain things. dear god, help me be more patient with my boyfriend. dear god,, help me be more patient with my mom, my sister, the guy at the counter. dear god, help me be more patient when i'm stuck in traffik. i just ask for patience, period. there is not one single thing that i can remember ever being patient for. i've never waited quietly, or stood in one place long enough. not that my life is one big rush. quite far from it. but still, i have no patience. i wonder sometimes why that is. it's not like i was always indulged as a child, although alot of people would like to disagree on that point. so where does all this impatience come from? ok, i have no more patience for this blog entry. see????!!!??

it's a sad moment when you finally realize that you can do what you swore you'd never be able to: live without the very person you claimed you want to spend the rest of your life with.

10 albums i want with me if i get stranded on a deserted island


1. BEATLES Abbey Road...i will never get tired of listening to "I Want You". Yes, i know, it's just one line that Lennon sings over and over again, i don't care. it's hypnotic.
2. POWER OF SOUL: A Tribute To Jimi Hendrix...for two main things: Kravitz and Prince. Kravitz's voice is amazing in Electric Lady Land, and Prince's guitar is awesom in Red House.
3. GLENN'S 80'S MIX!!!...not really an album, but hey, it's the best!
4. BOB MARLEY Tuff Gong...what i call the mini definitive best of marley album. sad that it's missing alot, but still great, nonetheless. and hey, you're on an island, to not have marley with you, you know you're definitely fucked.
5. BOB DYLAN Lost Diamonds...two words: CRAZY LOVE
6. STEALING BEAUTY OST...here's one album that has mazzy star, billie holiday, hole, john lee hooker, santana AND nina simone all in one. how can you beat that?
7. LAZY SUNDAY...this compilation is a must have even if you aren't stuck on a deserted island. it's got tunes that'll make you feel like falling asleep on the sand, and then immediately shift to tunes that'll make you feel good about drowning yourself. pretty.
8. ELLA FITZGERALD AND LOUIS ARMSTRONG Ella and Louis...i grew up listening to this album. i will die listening to this album. and if i'm stuck on a deserted island to die...this is the music that i wanna listen to while i wait for it to end.
9. I AM SAM OST...arguably the best compilation of beatles renditions ever made.
10. ROLLING STONES Wild Horses. The saddest song in the world.

so there's this guy i know, a really good friend. and for all the good things that one good friend wants to happen to another, i have one wish for this great friend of mine: i wish that he'd fall hard and flat on his face. yes, you know who you are. i wish he would just jump out of that plane without a parachute, because no matter how hard it hurts when you hit the gorund, it's nothing compared to the feeling of falling. it's liberating. you think you know, but you have no idea ;p

10 reasons why buffy should not be judged badly on account of sarah michelle gellar's nose.

1. lesbian action. willow and tara? definately! but hotter is the girlfriend that willow had after tara died, one of the potentials. not only was SHE hot, she was definitely nastier than tara. and she kicked ass.
2. sex. alot of it. mostly implied, but you get lucky with a some scenes that border on the explicit...like when buffy and spike tore a whole house down while they were...um...being rough. grrr...arrrg
3. dialogue. no other show on tv has characters who talk like they do, but still, we all understand what they're saying, even though we would never have thought of saying it like the way they do. it's knee slapping, finger pointing, laugh out loud, "that is so right!" dialogue.
4. joss whedon. he is a god. enough said.
5. the demons and monsters. my favorite by far is clem. he looks like a sharpei to me, but at the same time, he kinda looks like a large pile of stretched out, chewed pink bubblegum. and the gentlemen! they gave me nightmares for weeks! it's because of them that i usually avoid looking outside a window at night. that episode was voted as the scariest episode of any show that year it was shown.
6. glory. by far the most creative character ever made as a god. she scared me.
7. the musical. for one thing, anthony head's voice is so damn good, it was only a matter of time before we heard it again since that episode in the 5th season when he sang "behind blue eyes". and another is that joss proved himself capable of bringing the show to ANY level. sure, most of them could barely carry a tune, but it was by far one of the greatest moments in television.
8. producers and directors as actors. the guy singing about mustard on his shirt in the musical? david fury. the brother of lorn doing the dance of joy (angel)? that was joss.
9. xander. he's the one with the biggest burden of all. never has there ever been a zeppo that was as important as xander. i miss him!
10. plot. more entanlged than a spanish soap. more intricate than a russian novel. as existential as a fellini film.

i hate leaving. it's always such a pain to pack when it's time to leave, but never a pain to pack when it's time to go. sometimes i get these delusions of just living here, and only going back to manila once in a while. i wouldn't mind being alone there. as long as my dad's with me and i have my computer and my dvd collection. i could just spend the whole day reading and sitting in the water and working on my computer. i could invest in a laptop so that i could work right by the beach. i'd never have to wear shoes, never have to change out of my sarongs, never have to worry about my clothes matching my bag, check my cel phone only once every two days. but then i get back to manila, and then i so easily slip back into complaining that i can't use my sun cel, going to the mall for a cup of coffee or juice, calling for deliveries, buying things from the convenience store, braving traffic just to see friends that you have absolutely nothing to talk to about anymore, using concealer, shopping for things that i'll probably regret buying 5 minutes after i pay, getting a manicure and hot oil at the salon. it's almost as if i never left. i feel like a zombie when i'm here. sure, sometimes i'm happy here. that's not even the point. it's just that the demarkation between happy and content is so grey, it's no wonder so many people don't know what they want.

i do this everytime success doesn't come easily. i start thinking "well, maybe i'm just not cut out for this". Why am i so scared of failure? and it's not even failure, because i've failed before, in fact, i fail alot, and i seem to deal with it well enough, except for that feeling of not wanting to do it anymore. so often i find myself not doing alot of things just because i don't think i can do it really, really well. and that is so absurd really, since i know there's always gonna be someone who can do everything better than i can. i shy away from doing so many things because i'm afraid that i won't be the best, so in effect, i end up looking like an underachiever. and sometimes, it's even easier to live as an underachiever than someone who's tried and done their best, and still come up short. it's just so much easier on the ego to say, well, it wasn't my best anyway. i'm not afraind of failure. i'm afraid that my best just isn't good enough. everytime i pick up a pen, or a paint brush, or when i load the film into the camera, or anything at all, there this voice in my head that says "this is it. this is the day they're all gonna find out what a big fake you are."

it is so true that faith is tested everyday, especially when you most feel that you need your faith to pull you through. even when i say my prayers at night, i sometimes hear a small voice in my head that asks all these questions. you know the kind: the ones we all have, but would rather not voice them out loud because then we'd really have to think about them. questions like, is He really listening to me? Am i worthy enough for him to save or to even listen to? even the most painful question of all:Does He really exist? I say that it's painful because so much about faith in the Divine goes against the existentiality of reason. and at the same time, faith in the Divine really is all we have at the end of the day. Why do we, why do I have to have a reason? Despite (or maybe inspite) of my Catholic upbringing, I want my faith to transcend all that is "thou shalt" and "say 10 our fathers and 20 holy marys". I can't have faith in the thought that God only listens when you start with "In the name of the father". Or can i? SHOULD i? ever since i was a kid, i was always afraid that once i die, i'd go to hell, because as a child, i was always told that i was bad, everybody was always yelling at me. Or that if god didn't exist, and there was no heaven or hell to go to, i'd just be floating for all eternity in nothingness. i don't know what scares me more. the fires of hell, or emptiness. and every time i think of that nothingness, i actually FEEL empty. you know what emptiness feels like. we've all had that feeling. after hours of crying and you don't have any tears left to cry. when you've thought something over and over and again and you can't find any solution other than ending what ever it is. when you've numbed yourself so much into thinking that you're never going to make it and you really don't. but then, there must be a God, because if there wasn't, how would i have ever had those feelings to begin with?